While I’m usually quite a glass-half-full type of woman I’ve been noticing that I’ve been feeling more anxiety than I usually do. Or perhaps just more anxiety than I usually let myself feel. I’m very good at focusing on the good but what I’ve been coming to realize is that perhaps that’s escapist behavior. Am I someone who always focuses on the good or am I someone who purposefully blocks out the bad so I don’t have to deal with it?
In theory this sounds like the same thing, but it’s really not. Not dealing with the bad stuff doesn’t make it go away, it just gets stuffed in a filing cabinet somewhere in the back of my brain. But that filing cabinet will overflow at some point, forcing me to deal with things that I’d rather not deal with.
So with that in mind, I’m trying to practice leaning into the feelings that are triggering me. I can be a worrywart sometimes, letting fear take over my mind and then pushing that feeling away with any type of distraction I can find. 12 Step meetings have been very helpful in that area because of the anonymous aspect. It’s much easier to tell my ugly truths to people that don’t know me. I’m actively trying to replace fear with faith. I sometimes even have to say out loud: “Everything is going to work out.” And I would say that most of the time it helps. But it’s quite literally a practice.
Going home to see my family is one of my favorite things to do, but it also causes a lot of pressure. Because I moved to another country to go to Grad School and “live the dream”, I often feel like I have to impress and live up to the hype that’s been created around this experience that I’m having. While it very often doesn’t feel impressive or hype-worthy. The things that have helped? Talking through my anxiety with those that I usually shield it from. Cause it’s really all about ego in the end. I’m learning that I don’t have to live up to a standard that others have set for me, or one that I’ve even set for myself. During this time I’m practicing just being. Period. And nature has been a big factor. I go for runs and hikes through the woods and everything just feels better. I’m in awe of the beauty of my surroundings and I’m able to be in the moment.
So, to anyone reading who is feeling anxiety about the holidays, go outside and hug a tree. You’re held, and loved. And if you feel fearful just take a breath and say to yourself: “Everything’s gonna be okay.”
